"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" - Les Brown

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


I am truly amazed right now.
Amazed at how betrayed I feel.
Amazed at how much I know my savior loves me.
Amazed that I have such an incredible family.
Amazed to have friends that love and care about me.
Amazed at how blessed I am.

Overall I am writing this because I want to remember that this is a start to a new beginning. That this is my goodbye to this chapter of my life. 
Sean has been that person for the past 6 years of my life that has always taken care of me and protected my heart. He has been that person that would kill anyone who dared to hurt me. He was my go to man, my best friend that I could always count on. Within two 1/2 hour conversations my Sean world has came crumbling down. He betrayed every promise we had ever made, he was unfaithful, he lied, he cried, he apologized, he gave up. Things were going great, at least I thought so. He made some huge mistakes that will effect him the rest of his life... and its changed mine. We aren't getting married anymore and I can't believe how many emotions I have felt in just one day of this. I know life could be so much worse, I know how blessed I am, but I also know that it's ok to hurt. It's ok to show how I feel, but at the end of the day I get down on my knees and thank my heavenly father for all the pain and for all the joy, for all the tears and for all the laughter, for all those who have betrayed me and for all those who love me. 

I have gone from feeling disgusted, to hurt, to angry, to sad, to completely humiliated,  to grateful and its a cycle that keeps replaying in my head.

I think of him and her and all of the lies and I am disgusted, I think of the fact that I have lost my very best friend and I am so unbelieveably hurt, I think of how I gave him my heart and I trusted him and he crushed it.. and I am angry, I think of how lost he is and how much he needs me right now and how much I wish I could make it better.. and I am sad that I am no longer a part of his life, I think of everything and how much faith I had in him and how much I trusted him and I feel humiliated, I know I would have kept my promises if he didn't break his, I know how happy we could have been and my heart hurts..... and then I am grateful for everything. Everything he taught me, for loving me even if it means nothing now, for being my very best friend, for showing me what it feels like to give someone your heart, even though he didn't take care of it, for being a bump in this journey to make me stronger. I am grateful that he could finally be honest with me and let me go. I am grateful to feel my saviors love, I feel it now more then ever. I am grateful for the spirit to guide me in every decision I make. I know that the spirit guided Sean and I together, I know it was right at one time and I will never doubt that or regret that. I am glad that I have learned that bad decisions can change everything in the blink of an eye. I am glad that I know who I am and what I want, I determine how I handle this. He doesn't determine my happiness.  I am so grateful for friends and family who love and care about me. I am grateful that this trial will make me stronger. I am grateful to know there is someone out there who will love me and never betray me, someone who will make me happier then I ever was with Sean.

But for now thats all I have in me. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through.
I am letting go of the one thing I never thought I would have to. Sean my heart aches for you I know how lost you are right now. I want nothing more then to wake up from this nightmare, To wake up in your arms and kiss you and know that everything is ok. I want to live out everything, every dream we have planned since we were just young kids. I want to call you because everytime I have hurt you have always been there, you have always listened and you have always found a way to make me smile you always made it better. But I hurt most because I know this is goodbye forever. I know that our life we have planned together will never come true. I know I deserve so much better then you and that is so hard to say when you use to be my better. I know that my heart will heal. I know I will get over this. But most of all I know I will forgive you. I can't right now but I know I will. I know I want the best for you even though I hate you so much right now I love so much at the same time. I know there will be a day when I can say I don't love you anymore but for now all I can say is that I know this is happening for a reason. I know my heavenly father has a plan for me, I know he loves me and he wants me to be happy that is the only thing that is getting me through. I know he is crying with me right now and that all of this pain will be worth it in the end. I hope and pray that you can know all those things as well. Your heavenly father loves you and as low as you feel right now he will never give you anything you can't handle. He is there for you right now just as much as he is there for me. I am grateful for almost 7 years of memories with you, and I am ready to let you go, Forever.  


  1. Wow what a powerful post. I am so sorry to hear this, I am thinking of you huni and I can tell how strong you are- one day all of this will be a memory. Dont forget how beautiful you are

  2. Toss, I'm so sorry :( And so sorry you have to go through this.. you are one tough girl though, and you'll get through it. you're right, you DO have REALLY great friends and family that will help you along the way. Let me know if you need anything :) I'll call you about softball too! :)

  3. toss- I couldn't stop thinking about you last night. I'm so sad for you. but I know how strong you are. I know that because of who you are, and what you know, you WILL find someone who will give you everything you deserve one day. you are so beautiful toss, and you're right, this will just be a bump in the road, but the experience will only help you appreciate the "right one" even more. love you girl!!

  4. WOW....Tossy, I'm sooo sad for you!!! :( I LOVE YOU girl:) Wish you were back down here partying it up with us:) You have such a great attitude, wow your AMAZING!!! Heavenly Father LOVES you, and is totally aware of you, Best Feeling ever:) Someday you will look back and be greatful for this, but don't think about that now, just cry it out, because it's TOTALLY OK to. LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

  5. WOW Toss I had no idea, I am so so sorry. But you are the most AMAZING person. I don't know anyone else that would have an outlook like this. You have the best attitude and that is going to serve you well in life. I know you are being comforted by heavenly father and with him you can overcome ANYTHING. You will be able to forgive Sean when you find the man that gives you everything. You will know how much of a mistake it would have been to be with Sean, and you will be so so grateful you didn't end up with him. Seriously I would not have had the attitude you have that is AMAZING. I love you girl and you will get through this! You are already better because of it I mean I read that and was like holy cow you are so mature about it and smart. Don't hold any of your feelings in, just let it all out and you will feel so much better. But it looks like you already did that! I know you have tons of people to talk to, but if you need someone different you can call me! Love you!

  6. I am crying, just as I cried when I found out. I hurt for you. I remember going through this same thing and saying to myself I would NEVER wish this pain on someone else, and to see my very best friend go through it makes me feel it all over again almost like I am going through it myself but this time even worse cause I have to see someone I care about go through it. Every word you said and feeling your feeling makes me go back about 2 years ago, your right, this is the time in your life that you feel your Heavenly fathers love the most, he knows exactly what you are going through and he is there. Toss you are the one person that I know will come out of this SO much stronger! like you said, he doesn't give us any trial he KNOWS we can't handle. I love you Toss, I am here for you and remember its OK to hurt, its OK to cry, scream, hate, forgive, and anything else you need to do, just let it out. I can't wait to see you tonight, your all I have been thinking about, I pray for you every chance I get. I love you!!

  7. I LOVE YOU!!! If you need anything sweets just call!

  8. I am so sorry Toss! I am sorry you have to go through this. You are an amazing person, and I loved the power of your post. You are strong and you'll get through it. But it's okay to take your time and cry and grieve. I love to drown my sorrows in ice cream-I'd love to get some with you if it would help. :) I'll be thinking of you.

  9. Wow. Talking about learning from your younger sister. Yes, I cried through this. I can't believe it. I don't even know what to say except that your faith and love will get you through this. My heart almost crumbles thinking about you. Take as much time as you need to mourn, and yes you will go through that cycle daily. It's o.k. But when your mourning is over, attack life! Smell the flowers, soak up the sunshine and drown yourself in the service of others because I promise that is what will get you through. Seek solace in the temple, you will find no greater peace than when you are there. Our Father in Heaven is right by your side at this moment and every moment to come. Know that we are all here for you and praying for you every minute of every day. I am so sorry. I LOVE YOU

  10. All I can do is cry more because I am so grateful for all of you. Thank you for letting me know you care. Thank you for your advice. I love you all and I am so grateful for all I have. You are all examples to me and hope you all know that I truly know how blessed I am. As bad as I hurt I know life could be SO So much worse and I am grateful to my heavenly father for all he has given me. Thank you all so much you have no idea how much it means to me. Thank you! I love you all!

  11. Hey Natacia! I'm so sorry! I guess I'll just reiterate what everyone else has said and tell you that I'm amazed by your positive and realistic attitude in all of this. I actually dated a guy for a long time before I found Tony, and breaking up with the ex was the HARDEST thing I ever had to do in my life (you can ask your grandma and grandpa Lance about it, I had to counsel with them so they could help me see the right thing to do)... but it was so worth it. I felt Heavenly Father's love and comfort so much, just like you do now, and while that didn't completely take away the pain of ending the relationship, feeling that pain makes me appreciate so much more all the goodness in mine and Tony's relationship. After breaking up with my ex, Heavenly Father almost immediately led me to Tony, and everything was just so right, so peaceful and happy! Tony is SO MUCH better for me, and I am so much happier with him than I ever was in all the years I dated my ex. I know the same will happen for you! I don't know the timetable, but I have no doubt that God really will lead you to someone who will make you realize how much better you are without Sean. I hope you find him just around the corner. I know it's SO HARD right now, but it will get better! I'm so so so sorry Natacia!! I really feel your pain and know those tears you're crying!!! I love you!

    PS - I'm SO glad that you found out about his lies BEFORE you got married! That is a blessing!!

  12. You're amazingly strong! I am amazed. I know that you are strong enough for this next chapter. And I wish you all the best of LUCK!


  13. Dear Natacia:
    This is Mallory's mom, Karen. I am so sorry, I hurt knowing what you are going through. I remember with Mallory and as being a MOM and wanting to take all the pain away as I am sure both your Mom and Dad want that with all their heart. They too share so many of those feeling right along with you. (tell your mom if she needs someone to talk to, I am here) Its hard watching your daughter go through things like this but then it is wonderful and such a blessing to watch the growth that takes place. I can see already the strenght and wisdom that is beyond your years. I am so proud of you and your attitude and just coming out and saying how it is. You are so brave. Others will look to you as an example and a sorce of strenght. I believe that our trails are all about how we handle it and what knowledge and lessons we gain. My prayers are with you sweetie and remember, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

    LOVE, Karen

  14. Natacia! I'm so sorry yet so happy for you. You are SO strong... I am simply amazed by your outlook & attitude. Everything happens for a reason & I'm so glad that you're getting this opportunity to become closer to our heavenly father. I love you & am here for you & i PROMISE that everything will work out for the best. You deserve only the best & I know you'll find it! :)

  15. My Little Angel:
    As your father, I am so deeply touched by what you are going through. I want so much to take your pain away and feel helpless that I cannot. It is hard to be a parent and watch your child hurt.
    While at the same time time my heart is full of a profund joy to know your perspective is right on, in dealing with and enduring this extreme challenge. Your love for and dependency on the Saviour; Your understanding of life; Your compassion for those around you, even those who have hurt you so deeply; Your search for the ability to forgive; Your desire to look ahead, while at the same time, learning from your experiences.
    I am proud of My Little Angel. I am proud to call you my daughter. I am grateful that you are in my life and you continue to teach me about life. I will always love you and always be there for you.
    Your Daddy!

  16. Geeeeez...Uncle Dennis! I just did my make-up!!! Your children are so blessed to have you as their Father!

  17. Tosy:

    I have so much to learn from your courage and your positive attitude, thanks for being that way. You said that you are grateful for this bump on the road and the only thing that comes to my mind when I think of that is that the Lord has such a special guy for you, what you are going through is really hard and painful but let that be a reminder of the great reward you will receive for facing this challenge with such grace and faith, you are an example to me and I am so proud to call you my little sister. This night will be over soon.
    Isabella says: Te quiero MUCHISISO TIA TOSY.

  18. I have held off for so long from reading this cause I knew I would be so emotional! I couldn't even get through the first couple sentences without a flow of tears! But wow, you are so amazing! You are so strong and I have a lot to learn from my little sis :) I know you are still hurting a lot right now even though we don't talk about it very much anymore. You definitely have the right perspective on the future though. The savior will bare your burdens until you are strong enough to go on your own. What an amazing woman you are! Just know that I am here for you whenever you need me. I love you sis!

  19. If I had a dollar for everytime my heart was broken by that one person who I would have laid my life down for...I still couldn't buy the amount of strength and determination I have gained, or paid for the journey that has made me who I am today.
    I am still truly sorry, even though I don't know you, hurt is hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone...stay strong...
    Jennifer Chaloux