"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" - Les Brown

Monday, May 17, 2010

Las Vegas

Las Vegas was a VERY Successful  girls weekend. It included pool time, dinner, and shopping all with my girls. We stayed at Tahiti Village at the end of the strip.

We spent most of our time out of the water soaking up the sun. But we did have fun doing some water aerobics ( directed by Shae), played volleyball with a bunch of drunks, and we enjoyed the lazy river.

Pool Time

One crazy girl!

The rest of our trip was really just getting ready and going to a few amazing dinners! Shopping was a great success at H&M! I love that store!!!

Caesars Palace

Honestly I am so grateful for all of these girls. I have only known them all for about a year and I have only been close with them for that past 6 months but I don't know what I would do without them. They have been so supportive through everything I am going through right now. Each one of them have different experiences they have shared with me and have words of encouragement and they really make me feel like I am not alone. I am so blessed to have them in my life. Having a weekend away with them helped me learn a lot more about each one of them and I can truly say they are all amazing girls.

Now only 3 days until I leave for Costa Rica

Only 8 days till I turn 22

Its been 14 days since every part of my future was changed. Its finally sinking in more and more everyday BUT I am doing really good. Although I still have those bad moments that are still really hard..... I have never felt more blessed then I do right now. Heavenly father truly does give us trials to make us stronger and I am so grateful for that. I think what I am most grateful for is I look back at the relationship and I have no regrets. I feel that I treated him right, I loved him with all my heart, I gave him 100% of my trust, I always let him know how proud I was of him, I supported him, I was happy and positive for the most part, I always told him how grateful I was for him and the list goes on and on. My point is.. I don't look back and say I wish I would have told him I loved him more, or I wish I didn't fight with him about that.... I don't look back and wish I would have done anything different. I look back and think in my next relationship I want to love them and trust them the same way I did with Sean. I want to give them my whole heart. My goal is not to let this experience hurt the way I am in my next relationship. I want to continue to trust even though I have been betrayed. I want to give someone my whole heart and not just parts of it. I know with time I can reach this goal and I am grateful for that knowledge.

Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Theme Song

I have always loved this song but its def. perfect for my life right now. This is my mood this week for sure...
Listen to Kellie Pickler sing one of my favorites;

Best Days Of Your Life

My favorite part of the song;   "I've got my pride, She's got you"

Im taking this mood to Vegas! I am so ready to lay out & shop :)

 Off toVegas today baby!

Can't wait to drink this at Serendipity!

Monday, May 10, 2010

What a week!

Tomorrow will be 1 week since all of this happened. Its been such a hard week, more tears then I have cried in my whole lifetime I think. Sean has thankfully respected my wishes so far has left me alone, I hope this continues and I never hear from him again.

I had to go talk to the bridal store about my dress. I love my dress but lets face it I don't know when I will get married.... and who knows if I will regret wearing the dress I pictured myself marrying Sean in. So she said the best she could do was have me pay a $250 restocking fee.... my dress was made by Maggie Sottero she is from Austriallia I think. So the company charges that much to restock. So I am out $250 I guess. It was really hard being in the store... remembering before how happy I was when I tried it on :(  I cried the whole way home... I think I am still in shock sometimes and then it hits me all at once, that I'm really not getting married. Sometimes I think Sean is just at bootcamp or something and I am waiting for a letter. The other day after my game I opened my phone to call him... I really forgot for a split second. I think what I wonder the most is what he is doing. What he is feeling. If he misses me. If he's with her. If he is ok. Its hard when the last time I heard his voice he was hysterically crying. But then I think harder and I realize none of it matters and thats why I asked him not to speak to me anymore. I don't want to suffer through his emotions with him. I am dealing with my own and I don't need his sorry's in the mix anymore because my mind was made up from the second it came out of his mouth. I would never take him back.

I am still overwhelmed with gratitude for my friends and family and for all of you on here. Your comments touched my heart, its so good to hear your advice and to know that you care. Thank you so much!
Like I have been saying ALL week............. things can only go up from here :) They can't get any worse and I am hanging in there.

A few exciting things....

I have shopped a lot... I have 7 new dresses and a bunch of new swim suits......  that means Vacation!!!

Well my girls trip we have been planning for months is finally here and it couldn't have come at a better time! We are off to Las Vegas to stay at a resort and shop! Thats all I want to do right now... but then
I made a very spontaneous decision....

I just purchased my ticket .... and I leave in a week and a half!

First I will see this in La Fortuna

Arenal Volcano

Then I will see this in Nosara

I am going to Costa Rica!!!
At work I was talking to one of my friends.... after I told her what happened, she said I could come with her and her friends. I am so excited about it. I just need to get out of here and take my mind off of everything! No I am not trying to run away from my sorrows but the damage is done, lets just hope this helps the healing process go a little quicker! I am expecting Costa Rica to put a tiny extra patch on my heart. I have never been out of the country and I am kind of nervous. I just got my passport in the mail on Friday ( how convenient) so if any of you have been to Costa Rica and have any tips let me know.... What to wear? Things I HAVE to bring? Places I HAVE to see? Places to Avoid.....Anything??? Throw it my way.

Thanks so much for all of your support and love. Last night I read a talk that I am pretty sure Elder Holland wrote just for me (seriously) haha jk But basically I am grateful to know all of these things.

The Best Is Yet To Be!
Look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed towards the future.
Forgive and Forget
The best advice and my goal from this point forward is to NOT dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. I have learned what I needed to learn and I have brought with me the best that I have experienced. So I think we can all take Elder Hollands advice;

" Faith is always pointed toward the future"

The best is yet to be :)
Love you guys!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


I am truly amazed right now.
Amazed at how betrayed I feel.
Amazed at how much I know my savior loves me.
Amazed that I have such an incredible family.
Amazed to have friends that love and care about me.
Amazed at how blessed I am.

Overall I am writing this because I want to remember that this is a start to a new beginning. That this is my goodbye to this chapter of my life. 
Sean has been that person for the past 6 years of my life that has always taken care of me and protected my heart. He has been that person that would kill anyone who dared to hurt me. He was my go to man, my best friend that I could always count on. Within two 1/2 hour conversations my Sean world has came crumbling down. He betrayed every promise we had ever made, he was unfaithful, he lied, he cried, he apologized, he gave up. Things were going great, at least I thought so. He made some huge mistakes that will effect him the rest of his life... and its changed mine. We aren't getting married anymore and I can't believe how many emotions I have felt in just one day of this. I know life could be so much worse, I know how blessed I am, but I also know that it's ok to hurt. It's ok to show how I feel, but at the end of the day I get down on my knees and thank my heavenly father for all the pain and for all the joy, for all the tears and for all the laughter, for all those who have betrayed me and for all those who love me. 

I have gone from feeling disgusted, to hurt, to angry, to sad, to completely humiliated,  to grateful and its a cycle that keeps replaying in my head.

I think of him and her and all of the lies and I am disgusted, I think of the fact that I have lost my very best friend and I am so unbelieveably hurt, I think of how I gave him my heart and I trusted him and he crushed it.. and I am angry, I think of how lost he is and how much he needs me right now and how much I wish I could make it better.. and I am sad that I am no longer a part of his life, I think of everything and how much faith I had in him and how much I trusted him and I feel humiliated, I know I would have kept my promises if he didn't break his, I know how happy we could have been and my heart hurts..... and then I am grateful for everything. Everything he taught me, for loving me even if it means nothing now, for being my very best friend, for showing me what it feels like to give someone your heart, even though he didn't take care of it, for being a bump in this journey to make me stronger. I am grateful that he could finally be honest with me and let me go. I am grateful to feel my saviors love, I feel it now more then ever. I am grateful for the spirit to guide me in every decision I make. I know that the spirit guided Sean and I together, I know it was right at one time and I will never doubt that or regret that. I am glad that I have learned that bad decisions can change everything in the blink of an eye. I am glad that I know who I am and what I want, I determine how I handle this. He doesn't determine my happiness.  I am so grateful for friends and family who love and care about me. I am grateful that this trial will make me stronger. I am grateful to know there is someone out there who will love me and never betray me, someone who will make me happier then I ever was with Sean.

But for now thats all I have in me. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through.
I am letting go of the one thing I never thought I would have to. Sean my heart aches for you I know how lost you are right now. I want nothing more then to wake up from this nightmare, To wake up in your arms and kiss you and know that everything is ok. I want to live out everything, every dream we have planned since we were just young kids. I want to call you because everytime I have hurt you have always been there, you have always listened and you have always found a way to make me smile you always made it better. But I hurt most because I know this is goodbye forever. I know that our life we have planned together will never come true. I know I deserve so much better then you and that is so hard to say when you use to be my better. I know that my heart will heal. I know I will get over this. But most of all I know I will forgive you. I can't right now but I know I will. I know I want the best for you even though I hate you so much right now I love so much at the same time. I know there will be a day when I can say I don't love you anymore but for now all I can say is that I know this is happening for a reason. I know my heavenly father has a plan for me, I know he loves me and he wants me to be happy that is the only thing that is getting me through. I know he is crying with me right now and that all of this pain will be worth it in the end. I hope and pray that you can know all those things as well. Your heavenly father loves you and as low as you feel right now he will never give you anything you can't handle. He is there for you right now just as much as he is there for me. I am grateful for almost 7 years of memories with you, and I am ready to let you go, Forever.