Goodbye

I am truly amazed right now.
Amazed at how betrayed I feel.
Amazed at how much I know my savior loves me.
Amazed that I have such an incredible family.
Amazed to have friends that love and care about me.
Amazed at how blessed I am.

Overall I am writing this because I want to remember that this is a start to a new beginning. That this is my goodbye to this chapter of my life. 
Sean has been that person for the past 6 years of my life that has always taken care of me and protected my heart. He has been that person that would kill anyone who dared to hurt me. He was my go to man, my best friend that I could always count on. Within two 1/2 hour conversations my Sean world has came crumbling down. He betrayed every promise we had ever made, he was unfaithful, he lied, he cried, he apologized, he gave up. Things were going great, at least I thought so. He made some huge mistakes that will effect him the rest of his life... and its changed mine. We aren't getting married anymore and I can't believe how many emotions I have felt in just one day of this. I know life could be so much worse, I know how blessed I am, but I also know that it's ok to hurt. It's ok to show how I feel, but at the end of the day I get down on my knees and thank my heavenly father for all the pain and for all the joy, for all the tears and for all the laughter, for all those who have betrayed me and for all those who love me. 

I have gone from feeling disgusted, to hurt, to angry, to sad, to completely humiliated,  to grateful and its a cycle that keeps replaying in my head.

I think of him and her and all of the lies and I am disgusted, I think of the fact that I have lost my very best friend and I am so unbelieveably hurt, I think of how I gave him my heart and I trusted him and he crushed it.. and I am angry, I think of how lost he is and how much he needs me right now and how much I wish I could make it better.. and I am sad that I am no longer a part of his life, I think of everything and how much faith I had in him and how much I trusted him and I feel humiliated, I know I would have kept my promises if he didn't break his, I know how happy we could have been and my heart hurts..... and then I am grateful for everything. Everything he taught me, for loving me even if it means nothing now, for being my very best friend, for showing me what it feels like to give someone your heart, even though he didn't take care of it, for being a bump in this journey to make me stronger. I am grateful that he could finally be honest with me and let me go. I am grateful to feel my saviors love, I feel it now more then ever. I am grateful for the spirit to guide me in every decision I make. I know that the spirit guided Sean and I together, I know it was right at one time and I will never doubt that or regret that. I am glad that I have learned that bad decisions can change everything in the blink of an eye. I am glad that I know who I am and what I want, I determine how I handle this. He doesn't determine my happiness.  I am so grateful for friends and family who love and care about me. I am grateful that this trial will make me stronger. I am grateful to know there is someone out there who will love me and never betray me, someone who will make me happier then I ever was with Sean.


But for now thats all I have in me. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through.
I am letting go of the one thing I never thought I would have to. Sean my heart aches for you I know how lost you are right now. I want nothing more then to wake up from this nightmare, To wake up in your arms and kiss you and know that everything is ok. I want to live out everything, every dream we have planned since we were just young kids. I want to call you because everytime I have hurt you have always been there, you have always listened and you have always found a way to make me smile you always made it better. But I hurt most because I know this is goodbye forever. I know that our life we have planned together will never come true. I know I deserve so much better then you and that is so hard to say when you use to be my better. I know that my heart will heal. I know I will get over this. But most of all I know I will forgive you. I can't right now but I know I will. I know I want the best for you even though I hate you so much right now I love so much at the same time. I know there will be a day when I can say I don't love you anymore but for now all I can say is that I know this is happening for a reason. I know my heavenly father has a plan for me, I know he loves me and he wants me to be happy that is the only thing that is getting me through. I know he is crying with me right now and that all of this pain will be worth it in the end. I hope and pray that you can know all those things as well. Your heavenly father loves you and as low as you feel right now he will never give you anything you can't handle. He is there for you right now just as much as he is there for me. I am grateful for almost 7 years of memories with you, and I am ready to let you go, Forever.